At the center of my thoughts is something I call faith-envy. I have it. Bad. Whenever I talk to someone who I believe is a true believer, and I don't mean that in the Eric Hoffer way referencing fanatics and mass movements, but rather in a tone of admiration for people who have conviction, who can make the leap.
I sat through Bill Maher's "Religulous", a documentary of sorts, slamming religion. Unfortunately Maher found the usual assortment of cranks and idiots that can be found on the fringe of any religious movement and used them to ridicule religion in general. Probably the most fascinating part of the film was his exploration of the parallels between Christian and Egyptian mythology, specifically showing how the recounting of the life of Jesus was an echo of a mythology that came quite a good deal earlier in a recounting of the life of Horus.
It's too bad that this information couldn't have been handled in a more reasonable and erudite manner, but it sparked my curiousity to the point that I went in search of the Horus myth. Fascinating.
Watching "Religulous" I felt sad, not for the people in the film, the maniacal believers sought out and found by Maher, but for Maher himself. I think, after all, that Maher was probably motivated by the same thing that haunts me...faith envy.
Thankfully, even if I never find faith, and people, I probably won't, there is always a shadow at my back to offer me motivation to stay alive and at least try and get along with people. Yes, I'm referring to Cthulhu. Maybe I don't believe in God...but dammit...I think I'm starting to have second thoughts about He Who Lies Dreaming.