Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Open Letter To God

Dear He-Who-Stands-In-Heaven-Looking-Down-At-Us-Who-Are-So-Miserable-And-Unworthy-Of-His-or-Her-Gaze:

Please, Lord...I admit it, I watched a season or two of "Survivor". I've watched "Big Brother" and I've was fascinated by "Joe Schmoe". I've even finally caved and watched an episode or two of "American Idol". But Lord....it's time to make it end.

I had thought with Fox's "The Littlest Groom", a painfully bad show that pitted vertically challenged women against tall models for the affections of a little person, that it had hit bottom. No, Lord, it didn't. Instead, each year brings another "Survivor", another "American Idol", another (gag) "Dancing With The Stars". Each year. Each year. And it gets worse and worse.

So Lord SMYTE THEM. Bring your torrential rains, your fire, your vengeful spirits, your plagues and cataclysms and I will lead a handful of the holy into a new covenant. We will embrace your new teachings, whatever they may be, even if they somehow include the abolition of power tools and the color mauve, and we will cherish your words no matter how unclear or open to interpretations.

No more reality shows. I beg you. NO MORE REALITY SHOWS!!!!!!

Your loving servant. And about the hemorrhoids...

28 comments:

miller580 said...

And God, or Muhammed, or Jesus, or Budda, or Apollo, or Zues, or whoever, "The real Wedding Crashers" Anything you can do...a lightning bolt maybe? Please?

DesLily said...

You won't get much of an arguement from me! (although I do watch Dancing With the Stars..but that's because I used to do ballroom dancing..of course it was nothing like what they do lol) And: when it goes off I can't say I'll miss it.. unless they put on a worse show.. which is highly likely.

I watched season one of survivor, even sorta liked it but never watched it again. REAL programing would be nice for a change thats for sure!.. but I'm sure they won't go away because they can do those sort of shows "cheaply" as they don't pay the "non actor" the salaries they pay actors. No sets to be made etc.

It wouldn't be so bad if they'd gather them up and keep them all on one channel like the cooking channel or the style channel does. But prime time on major stations... pretty much sucks! (did I say that?.. why.. yes I did! It's not so bad being old! You can say anything you want and get away with it!)

Charles Gramlich said...

The only reality TV I ever watched was Joe Schmoe. I saw about two episodes of the first surreal life.

SQT said...

I only watch Deadliest Catch, about the Alaskan Crab Fishermen. The rest can go up in flames.

Like how I did that? See, everything is crap unless I watch it.... I mean, unless Stu watches it. Yeah, that's it.

avery said...

Amen and hallelujah, brother!

The only reality shows I can tolerate are the food ones -- Top Chef and Dinner Impossible.

What was that one where they put couples on the island and then hoped to catch them screwing up their relationship? "Oh, honey, this is a great idea, isn't it? We'll go someplace tropical and be surrounded by a slew of greedy producers and people waaay hotter than we are, and test our love."

Idiots.

mist1 said...

But please, Lord, don't go smiting everyone until all those shows are available on DVD.

Fab said...

Reality shows are a plague on this world. Mozes had bugs and rivers of blood, well we have reality tv! (Was it Mozes?)

A great book, and critique, on this theme is DEAD FAMOUS by Ben Elton! Emphasis on the first word.

Lucas Pederson said...

Thank GOD, people are finally seeing reason!
I have never like reality shows! They are boring, worthless, pretentious, and pointless. I've been telling my wife this for a couple years now and still she watches Dancing with the Stars, Extreme Makover Home Edition and a couple others. I don't get it. What possess people to watch floatinf turds like these shows?
Ah wait...I get it...
It's Satan. Of course it is. He's sucking out or brain cells with reality shows. To stop the shows we must get GOD to smite the DEVIL! Blast it all!!!

Sidney said...

I think we need a special dispensation on "Project Runway," which is sort of a celebration of the creative spirit. And it usually has a bitchy rivalry or two.

Donnetta Lee said...

Amen, Stewart! Amen.
Donnetta

Stewart Sternberg said...

OH GOD, SIDNEY. NO. NO. DON'T YOU SEE? THEY'RE SUCKING YOU IN. NO SPECIAL DISPENSATION. IT WOULD BE LIKE TELLING A JUNKIE THEY COULD GET THEIR FIX ONLY ON WEEKENDS. WE ALL NEED TO MAKE A CLEAN BREAK..ESPECIALLY IF THE SHOW IS ON FOX.

MR. MILLER, WE ARE IN AGREEMENT. THE WEDDING CRASHERS IS APPALLING. I SUSPECT IT WILL BE SHORT LIVED.

DESLILY, GLAD TO HAVE YOU ON BOARD, BUT...."DANCING WITH THE STARS????"
AS A CHILD OF THE SIXTIES, I REEL.

CHARLES, I ACTUALLY THOUGH JOE SCHMOE, BOTH OF THEM, WAS PRETTY HILARIOUS. BUT NO....NO WEAKNESS HERE...BUT IF THEY DID A JOE SCHMOE THREE????WELL...GOD...NO.

YOU SEE AVERY..YOU'RE AS BAD AS SIDNEY. THATS HOW IT IS...WE ALLOW ONE OR TWO REALITY SHOWS AND THEN WE HAVE TO ALLOW THEM ALL. KEEP IT UP AND I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL RENT AN ENTIRE SEASON OF SURVIVOR AND WATCH IT IN ONE WEEKEND. DON'T MAKE ME DO IT. I SWEAR I WILL.

MIST...CALM YOURSELF.

FAB..I WILL CHECK OUT THE BOOK. ANYTHING TO GET ME AWAY FROM THE TV. THE ONLY REALITY SHOW I WANT TO SEE IS BASEBALL.

LUCAS...EXTREME MAKEOVER.....VOMIT. I'LL SAY IT AGAIN...VOMIT.

Susan Miller said...

Oh man, sometimes it's just nice to have you around at the end of the day. Thanks for the laugh, Stu.

avery said...

But, I like cooking shows and I HATE Emeril and Rachael Ray, and they're all that's on the Food Network anymore. See for yourself. Go flip on the Food Network right now, and I'll bet one of those two squawking beasts is on. So, in the absence of good chefs on regular shows and with Julia Child firmly six feet under, what's a connoisseur dude to do?

My Reflecting Pool said...

You can do away with all of them but hold off on Survivor. My kids adore it.

Stewart Sternberg said...

Avery, if I allow the cooking stuff, then people are going to want me to allow the home fix up shows. Next thing you know the game shows are back and then its only a matter of time before we're back to "The Littlest Groom". But cheer up...it's not my decision. This letter was to God. And you know how well She listens.

Stewart Sternberg said...

Sue,anything I can do to make the life of a fellow human being better...well, then that's okay by me.

SQT said...

Avery, I can't stand Emeril or Rachel Ray. If I have to hear "yummo" or "BAM" one more time I.... well I don't know what. I may end up shouting on my blog like Stewart.

Stewart Sternberg said...

I didn't shout. I was assertive.

avery said...

You're right, Stewart. And why should I worry? After the various blasphemous rantings you've posted, She's not gonna listen to you, anyway.

Sqt, I won't even buy Ritz crackers anymore (and I love me some Ritz) because that crackhead Ray is on the box. I can't stand it. I even try to avoid going down the cookie/cracker aisle altogether because she's everywhere, her beady little eyes following me from box to box, product to product, that maniacal smile mocking me...

I'm cold. So cold.

Kate S said...

Beautiful. (However, I will admit to watching Dancing with the Stars - Deslily, Travis and I can shuffle off into a corner and hang our heads.)

Oh, Avery, I feel your pain. I'd like to smack her with a skillet. :)

Claudia said...

god help me, I've gotten hooked on dancing with the stars. I don't watch any of the others, but I like watching them daaaaance!!

Jon said...

Everybody hates the but most have
an exception, huh? Well I like them all... Hell yes, there ought to be a Reality Channel! That way I wouldn't have a problem when Dancing with the Stars conflicts with Idol. We, my wife and I, will sit for hours with our pupils barely the size of a flea navel, just staring at the screen.

"I don't know Hun...would you take the fifty-six thousand or open another two briefcases?"

Or, "God, I hope that guy can do something with that mop of hair she's got."

Or, "Look, I know it looks gross, but there's a lot of protien in those little critters."

And most of you know what I'm talking about, don't you.

If I hit the lottery I'm going to produce a TV show. "America's Next Great Novelist." There will be cameras all around the compound watching a dozen people loll around for hours on end contending with tricks, stratagies, and writer's block. John Updyke, the ghost of Kurt Vonegut and I will judge. And you'd watch. Unless we're opposite Survivor.

spyscribbler said...

I never did get into the reality shows. Okay, okay ... I confess I watched First American Princess (or some name like that). It was so fascinating and slightly horrifying that I couldn't stop.

I haven't watched another reality show since.

But come on. I'm a girl. I always wanted to grow up to be a princess some day. How could I resist?

Christina said...

I don't know, that show, "So you think you can dance" is pretty funny and I had a few favorites on that.

Miller, my husband was watching the "Real Wedding Crashers" he was asked to do it, but I guess he decided against it.

You know, there isn't much on television I enjoy watching any more. CSI, but that's about it.

Stewart Sternberg said...

What's offensive about shows like "Dancing With Stars" and "American Idol" is that the next day the results of the show become part of news broadcasts, as though they had some significance. Claudia, it's crack. I know it's hard to walk away but if you don't, you'll end up like Jon, and that can't be good. Spyscribbler, I can offer you forgiveness for the princess show, but if you turn around and become involved with "Dancing With The Stars" then all bets are off.

A last word to Jon. Your unbridled glee over these shows is akin to how Achmed felt when watching his neighbor bang a goat---this, prior to the destruction of Sodom of Gamorah. I don't mean to get all biblical, and I am sure a show will eventually be put out there that deals with religion (maybe something like "The Father and The Choir Boys" or "Rabbi's Feast--Kosher or Not Kosher"), but it has to stop. Let's see...writing or reality shows? Which are you going to pick, Jon? No wait...which should you pick.

Claudia said...

what on earth is the princess show? and you can't blame the shows for being on the news, but rather the people reporting the news that won't report on things that are happening in the world, but they'll gladly recount all the silly TV moments!

Jon said...

Dear Denny,
Harsh.
Alan

Stewart Sternberg said...

Denny Crane