Friday, March 09, 2007

Toys A Plenty


How do you know when you've achieved greatness? When you've been made into an action figure, of course! Don't believe me? At talkingpresidents.com you can purchase such heroic figures as Dennis Miller, Dr. Laura and Ann Coulter.

According to the copy on the website: The Ann Coulter figure is dressed in a single piece black dress, black high heels and gold earrings. The articulated figure bears a striking resemblance to its namesake - even down to Ann’s striking green eyes, long blond hair and determined look. Just like Ann, if you press the right button it will tell you exactly what it thinks, and it has plenty to say. “What are you Liberals afraid of? Let me talk.

If contemporary political action figures aren't your cup of tea, how about an old standby? Adolph Hitler!!! I can think of some interesting expressions of surprise around the Christmas tree, or Hanuka bush for that matter. Ann and Adolph, a match made in heaven?

Speaking of Heaven, maybe you want your kids to enjoy some religious action? They can always replay the Original Sin with Adam and Eve religious figures (fig leaves not optional), or maybe change the outcome at Golgotha with a Jesus Christ action figure (complete with bendable arms).

Never went to Woodstock? You can easily create your own music festival by bringing together Jimi Hendrix, Freddy Mercury, Kurt Cobain, Elvis Presley, and The Man In Black, Johnny Cash. Keep them off the smack with the smooth psychoanalytical stylings of Carl Jung.

I remember the good old days, when the only action figure was GI Joe.

-sigh-

28 comments:

gem said...

I don't know. A Hilter action figure is almost unconscionable. And I'm no Ann Coulter fan, either.

Borat said...

Barbie was a real woman until za gypzees shrunked her!

miller580 said...

I guess I must now strive for my own doll...I mean "Action Figure." However, I prefer my Jesus ultra-hip. Jesus is MY buddy.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I want my own action figure doll. But I am not hated by as many people as Ann Coulter, or Hitler. I'll keep working on it, though.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I'm afraid to ask what the Hitler action figure does.

Stewart Sternberg said...

Gem, Hearts...I like to think that the Hitler doll has a string at the back that you pull and it says things like: "Does anyone have chocolate?" or "I think it's so nice outside today." I don't know why, but I like the surrealism of such mundane pleasantries issuing from Adolph.

Jimbo, your Jesus action figure rocks.

Charles Gramlich said...

Ann and Adolph? Think of the children. I am, and now I won't be able to sleep again.

Travis said...

I remember when action figures used to be toys for playing - I'd take my GI Joe outside and we'd make up squads and missions and save the world, or at least the neighborhood.

I bought some Nascar action figures for my nephew not too long ago, and I'm told that he has them in their original packaging on a shelf in his room.

I guess these days there are toys to play with, and toys to collect.

But a Hitler action figure??

SQT said...

Well, since it's not politically correct to play cowboys and Indians anymore, I suppose we could use the Ann Coulter and Hitler dolls as the villains for the G.I. Joe's to fight. I'm not sure they would stand a chance against Coulter though; I think she made a pack with the Devil.

Kate S said...

I kinda like that Johnny Cash doll. I think the others are just funny in a twisted sort of way. Which is pretty much the only way my humor runs.

Cazzie!!! said...

I want my action figure to be Wonder woman...Cazzie the Wonder Woman..lol..or perhaps I could just stick with Florence Nightingale..with a glow in the dark candle?

ShadowFalcon said...

My husband has and still collects spider-man actions figures.

My personal favorite it my Gandalf the white figure which my mum mistook for Jesus. If only she knew how right she was...

Danny Tagalog said...

When I was knee-high to a grasshopper, I took great delight in taking the hair off mmy sisters dolls and making them bald.

And I guess lots of dirty, smelly similar types have done the same - telling their sister it's Britney...

Sidney said...

Wow, looks like you could create your own real Rock n Roll heaven experience with that collection, too, though I'm mainly imagining the team-up possibilities - when I was a kid we'd team up whoever we had Johnny West with G.I. Joe vs. bad guys headed by Sir Stuart the Silver Knight.

I could see Uncle Sam, Kinky Friedman, Superman, Aquaman, Austin Powers, Scully and Mulder and Willow from Buffy take on Hitler, Ann Coulter, Dr. Laura, Pinhead from Hellraiser and Freddy Krueger.

JR's Thumbprints said...

That Ann Coulter doll is H.O.T.--hot! Does it come with masking tape?

Stewart Sternberg said...

What's strange SQT and Charles is how natural the Ann Coulter/Adolph Hitler combo is. Can you say:Soul mates?

Travis, I am more amazed there is a Dr. Laura (not a real psychologist) doll than I am there is a Hitler figure. Actually, Hitler has some historical signficance. Not sure what the doll is for, but it seems more sensible than Dr. Laura.

Yeah, Kate, I think the Cash figure comes complete with ex-wife and perscription drugs.

Cazzie, WONDERWOMAN is a wonderful action figure. Google it. As for Florence Nightengale...might work.

Shadow, I love Spiderman and I even have a Spiderman Pez dispenser. Okay, I also have an honest to god action figure on my desk right now, staring down at me. I'm going to tell you who it is, but most people out there won't know his name: Professional Wrestler, Mick Foley, otherwise known as Cactus Jack, Dude Love, and of course, crazy masked Mankind.

Sidney, there IS a Kinky Friedman action figure. Not sure if it comes with the rest of the Texas Jewboys.

J.R....I want to see Ann Coulter in a porn film, but my fear is that once unwrapped, we'll discover she's actually an asexual creature without (thankfully) reproductive organs.

Lucas Pederson said...

Yes, good old GI Joes. I used have most of them back in the day. I also had all the Teenage Mutant Nija Turtles! I had He-Man, Skeletor, and most of the other characters...along with Castle GraySkull. Sweetness! And then I had Rambo, and a Predetor.
I'd mix them all up, GI Joes with the Predetor, the Turtles with He-Man, and Rambo with Skeletor...they were usually the bad guys. Then I'd create a war. Oh, it was great fun! Especially when you got friends over who can take up the rolls of various other characters. I'll say it again...Sweetness!

Sphinx Ink said...

Another company makes a Jane Austen doll ("action figure," since you men prefer that term). Pride and Prejudice is my all-time favorite novel, so I'd go for the Jane Austen doll. Or I'd love for someone to make dolls of Elizabeth Bennett and Fitzwilliam Darcy, the main characters of P&P. I'd actually prefer to have those to the J.A. doll. If they were anatomically correct I could make them do that which is never spoken of in the novel....

Oooh! (Slapping self on face) Naughty, naughty, Sphinx Ink!

Avery said...

The Johnny Cash doll would put the smack-down on Hitler and Ann, and still not muss his nice black shirt.

Donnetta Lee said...

When I was a little girl, I did not want a Barbie. I wanted Ken. So, I saved up my $3.50 and bought Ken. Mother made clothes for him out of scraps of material. He had a shirt made out of a white handkerchief. He was politically but not anatomically correct. But he was close. Donnetta

SQT said...

Sphinx, I LOVE Pride & Prejudice. I have the book and pretty much every movie adaptation I can get my hands on. I have no idea why I like it so much, so I'm glad to know I'm not alone.

spyscribbler said...

How funny! I had no idea. I haven't been keeping up with action figures, but clearly I need to!

etain_lavena said...

whahahah....funny....Dont forget the Heman action figure, I had one!:)

Lee said...

I still think Coulter was once a man. (Exhibit A>

Wouldn't it be great if her "action figure" was a trannie doll?

Stewart Sternberg said...

Lucas, I like to have my action figures in real life situations. Meeting at bar, discussing how hot they look, going back to the cardboard box for some intimate encounter. ....maybe I should stop here.

Sphinx, I like the literate approach to action figures. I personally would like Edgar Allen Poe, maybe Ray Bradbury and Lovecraft. They could sit around. Eventually the discussion would turn to how hot they looked....no wait..I did that already.

Avery, I have to admit that the Johnny Cash figure had me raising an eyebrow. I almost thought about getting that one for my desk. He could sit next to Mankind.

Donetta, not anatomically correct? I've hear people make that same statement about Ann Coulter.

Spyscribbler, Etain, thanks for stopping by. Lee, I think we need to stop saying that Ann Coulter is a tranny. Trannies are people. They have feelings. Ann Coulter...not human.

Lee said...

How insensitive of me. You are so right. Sorry trannies.

Clifford said...

Last we I was heading for a donut shop when I spotted a stuffed Edgar Allen Poe doll in the window. Had to have it. Also fell for Frieda Khalo cause they didn't skimp on the uni-brow!

As for action figures, another shop carries a librarian action figure...you push a button on her back and she raises a finger to her mouth-they call it "Shushing action!"

Toys have become interesting to say the least.

Lana said...

At a bizarre, local "museum," they have some interesting action figures for sale in the gift shop, including (but not limited to,) Sigmund Freud, Abraham Lincoln, William Shakespeare, Marie Antoinette & Charles Darwin. Absolutely brilliant!