Wednesday, February 07, 2007

The Rabbit Is Boiling

The female astronaut who has recently been arraigned for attempted murder, following a cross country drive in a diaper has got me thinking about Dangerous Women.

When married I never cheated on my wife. I am monogamous. So when the divorce finalized, I moved out and ran around the block flapping my hands and hooting like a little boy. Oddly, not something women found appealing. So, I got my bearings, hitched up the old belt (literally) and went out to taste the fruit that had been denied me those many years. That's when I found them. Dangerous Women.

Dangerous women are different from Dangerous Men. They have a different look about them. A look that says: "I boil rabbits".

I joined a dating service. This group had books with pictures and videotapes. What they should have had was a shrink that stamped foreheads with some sort of psychotic ratings system. The first woman I met this way, whom I had to assume knew what I did for a living, started out the date like this:

"You're a teacher? I've never met a teacher before. I don't like them. I think most teachers just go through the motions and don't care if they're screwing up the kids. Don't you agree?"

The entire evening went that way. And while in the movies the couple that engages in such stimulating and heated conversation always end up trying to undress one another over the table, the two of us ended up wishing one another to death.

I picked another woman from the dating service based on looks. Call me shallow. I should have read the description. We met at a restaurant. She sat down, eyes searching my face for something. She finally leaned forward and said: "I think before we start anything, you should know I'm co-dependent. "

I looked up.

"I've been in therapy and the approach that's working best is to not fight the co-dependency . I need to deal with it as a disease. My parents would tell you I had a fine childhood, but they don't know about me. All they saw was that popular little girl in school. They didn't feel my pain. They didn't understand what I had gone through."

I nodded, looking back down at my salad. I'm not a fan of croutons and I found myself working them to the edge of my plate. The lettuce was crisp though.

"I know that I'm too sensitive," she continued. "I get too involved. I need to learn how to make it just me first. I have trouble. I tend to take care of everybody but me. I know I come across as intense sometimes. Do I strike you as intense?"

Oh well, I thought, I would just have to count on eating some of the croutons.

"I feel people should put everything out on the table. We need to know who we are. It's part of a process of self discovery. It's a way of cutting through the red tape and getting in touch with our vulnerable selves..."

I think she is still at the restaurant talking. At night they probably just clean up around her.

One of the most intriguing women I met seemed normal enough until we went to a movie theater. As we were walking along, she pulled me aside and I couldn't help but feeling that we were hiding from something. I challenged her on it.

"I just don't want my husband to see me," she said.

"You said you were divorced?"

"Well, we're seperated."

"So you're not living together?"

"Well, not exactly."

"Your living together?"

"Yes, but we're going to be serparated."

I could smell the rabbit boiling. I could hear the the lambs screaming. I had forgotten what dating was like.


jedimerc said...

I couldn't help but laugh out loud at the end of this... Honesty and insanity, such a great mix :)

SQT said...

Oh man. I'm so glad I don't have to date anymore. I only had one "bad boy" boyfriend and that didn't last long at all because he was such a pain in the a**.

I remember when fatal attraction came out. It seemed like men everywhere were saying Me? Cheat? No way! Not after seeing that! though I doubt it made any difference.

But there is something kind of charismatic about the person with the crazy eyes. Look at Charles Manson, he totally had crazy eyes and a virtual harem. Of course, look at the women he got stuck with. I mean, they weren't exactly Angelina Jolie. But he didn't look like the type who cared.

Kate S said...

LOL - Well, I hope when you finished writing this that you went and gave Mrs. Sternberg a big hug and a kiss. :)

mist1 said...

The I Boil Rabbits look is part of my allure.

I just adore this post. One of my favorites.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I love this post, too. I was a single mother for many years before I married my present husband, and there is a lot of insanity, not necessarily the charming kind, out there.

I am grateful to have survived some of those encounters, and this is not an exaggeration. Others were not as lucky.

It was when I became comfortable being alone and had no desire to marry again that I met my husband. I couldn't think of any good reason not to marry him, so I did.

I'm no mathematician, but I'm sure the ratio of nutjobs to normal people is shockingly high.

Donnetta Lee said...

As my second husband said, "You could have kissed a frog." Donnetta

Turnbaby said...

Great post Stewart. Your description of the woman talking at the restaurant pouring out her soul while you counted croutons is spot on!

I'm talking about love today--songs of passion was Thursday, romance was yesterday and sex will be tomorrow--must be something in the air.

Stewart Sternberg said...'re a man who has been there.

SQT, I know women have it bad, too. Hell, I have friends who are fine in my company, who I would never wish on a woman in a relationship.

Kate, Mrs. Sternberg gets a big hug and kiss on a regular basis.

Mist, I've always thought you were provocative. Now that I know you've got the "I BOIL RABBITS" look, I'm sure of it. You should try wearing leather. No, seriously.

Hearts, that's a good observation. I think the most difficult thing is coming out of a bad relationship and trying to find equilibrium while dealing with loneliness.

Donetta, at one point in my loneliness, if that frog had had cleavage, I would have worn a lilypad around my waist.

Thanks Turnbaby. I will have to write about more of these woman, especially the slave.

Charles Gramlich said...

Women! Can't live without 'em. Can't commit 'em.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

I just re-read this post to Flip, with voices. (I sometimes share wonderful posts this way, and I thought it coudn't hurt for him to remember his own dating years BM. No, not that. Before Me.)

He roared.

Stewart, this is a marvelous story. And please do tell us about the slave. I'm bouncing with anticipation.

So, do we have a date?

Stewart Sternberg said...

I'll write about the slave, hearts. Actually a couple of slaves. Maybe a posting for valentine's day

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Oooh, ooooh, OOOOOOOOH!

You're toying with me, aren't you?

Anonymous said...

Very funny. And scary.

Lee said...

Wonderful post. Dating blows. I had to stop dating in self defense. It's really just too much work.

Stewart Sternberg said...

Thanks baabaane, and lee, dating in self defense was a great link

Crunchy Carpets said...

My mom has dated a few guys over the years and many in the dating agencies have a cagey haunted aspect about them.

And the men fell into two categories...1)genuinely looking for some female companionship leading to who knows where or 2)sure I said I was looking for friendship and relationships, but I really just want to get laid and YOU should be really grateful that I contacted you because I am a man god despite the outward appearance you see before you.

Anonymous said...

Stewart-- I feel so bad for you. I have to tell you, one of the blessings of a stable marriage is never having to worry about those kinds of situations ever again. It's not all bells and whistles all the time. But most of the time it's pretty good because my husband is so kind and a real stand-up kind of guy. But it's never, ever boiled rabbits!

Ormondroyd's Encyclopedia Esoterica said...

My worst blind date (no, the second worst-- well, maybe the third) was a set up with a woman who "likes animals, just like you". Turned out she liked giant snakes and monitor lizards and she fed my kinds of animals to them live. "I had to switch over from mice to rats," she said. "I couldn't handle the way they screamed."
Needless to say, SHE didn't get laid that night.

Susan Miller said...

Yes, dating sucks but your sense of humor is fantastic. What about the nursing home gals, Stu?

Stewart Sternberg said...

You know, Crunchy, there was nothing wrong with the women I dated, it was more a matter of finding the right match. And as you can imagine, I'm a difficult match to match.

Gem, feel bad no longer. I am remarried. I agree with you, the search for human contact is a sad one at times...

Michael, "I had to switch over from mice to rats," she said. "I couldn't handle the way they screamed."...YES!!! I don't know how I missed dating her. Great comment great line.

Sue, the nursing home, as you know, has its own special advantages. The elderly are, for the most part, a cheap and thankful date. The best thing about dating Oldies, as I like to call them, is the rush of not knowing if they are going to keel over during the main course. Once you've had wrinkles, there's no going back.

Erika said...

Oh my goodness. i'm glad I haven't run into anything like that yet.

... I am however stuck in the dating phase. It blows.