Anyway...look below this posting for links to other people who sent in some BAD ASSIGNMENTS
THE FAT MAN COMETH
The holidays were no fun for someone with holes in his pockets. The holes in his gut and stomach didn’t help either. The fat man lay there, draining an assortment of bodily fluids into the gutter.
“Another Santa?” asked Detective Juarez, jaw rugged enough for three cops and a gay cowboy.
“Guess someone rang his Kringle Bell,” Sgt. Macino’s attempt at flippancy fell as flat as roadkill.
“This could spell trouble,” said Juarez.
“My wife left me today,” said Macino. The two men stared at one another.
Juarez took a cab back to the office, a bad and sat down at a desk messy enough to blind a mole. He reached over and sipped from a cup of frigid joe, following that with a bite from an old doughnut someone had left there as a tithe.
The chief, a tallish man with a short temper came by.
“I heard you got Santa Number Five.”
“Gut shot in the stomach,” said Juarez. “If the coroner gives me what I want, we’ll find the bullet’s trajectory indicates that the gun was fired up at a forty-five degree angle.”
“So the shooter was short.”
“He was a short shooter shamefully pumping shells to turn a shirt shades of maroon.”
Juarez thought about his childhood and all the good times he didn’t remember because.
“An elf, you say?” said the Chief.
“Either that or not.”
“Take your pick. Disgruntled employee. Mother complex. Too much caffeine.”
“Elves. I hate them.”
“Did you hear Macino’s wife left him?”
Juarez headed downtown to reclaim his car, stopping first to see a dame. Her name was Bettie, and she was. He smiled and patted the side of her face, but missed and got something else instead.
“You heard Macino’s wife left him?” she asked.
“That’s what I heard.”
“Go figure. Something like that.”
“We found another Santa today.”
Talking to Bettie always gave him a sense of clarity. He slipped her a bill and went to find the car. He found Mancino instead.
“Why’d you do it, Mancino?”
The cop looked up at him. A shy expression turned into a sly one, which shifted into a confused one, and then didn’t.
“How’d you know?”
“Bettie. Name mean anything to you?”
“No. Should it.”
“She knew about your wife.”
“She always did. What was my downfall.”
“Hiring the midget to off the fat man. I had to ask myself why was someone trying to nix all the Santas in town. That’s when it occurred to me. They obviously couldn’t see Kringle’s face to tell which santa to plug so they planned on killing all the Nicks. Next time you wanna kill someone, hire someone your own size.”
“Smart, real smart.”